Srsly?

So I just got back from the party about an hour and a half ago... good stuff. Good times. I actually met someone, named Chris, who is also a nerdface :D but, anyway. He ended up biting and spanking me a couple of times... and I look in the mirror and I have the hickies of DEATH on my neck. I don't even think make up could cover this kind of shit. I would have no problem if you know... I didn't live with my MOTHER. Also, another problem... he's married. And his pregnant wife was also at the party. I guess they are into poly or whomever messing with whomever because it happened. We exchanged phone numbers and all that bit. I wanted to kiss him really bad but... knowing he his married, with a prego wife... it's like my curse. William is married with a kid. I mean, srsly, round 2. Awesome.

I talked to Havok when I left Celia's to go get toothpaste for my death hickies and he was in a... I-don't-give-a-shit-mood which made me... annoyed. I asked him to Google how to get rid of a hicky while I drove to the store. He asked how it happened, and I told him I didn't want to because I don't want him mad. I told him anyway, and he wasn't jealous which... made me kinda mad. We further talked and he said he knows why I am angry -- because I am moderately committed to him, and said I shouldn't be. I told him I am more mad because I wish he were jealous because he has feelings for me. I don't exactly remember what he said, however, I'm not thrilled either way. I like Havok. A lot. He knows I do... but I don't see how he isn't attracted to me. I really fucking wonder... how could he date that girl in CA, but not me? What the fuck is wrong with me? I really want to stop doing crap with him because I know I am getting attatched way more than I was previously. But... the feelings he gives me are amazing. I don't know what to do, and it kills me. How can you play with someone, but not have feelings? It must be a girl thing because only girls I know have this issue... guys are just all, 'fucked it, done with it.' If I asked him what I should do... he would instantly tell me that we can't play anymore. Even though I've told him that I wouldn't care for the 3rd time around he told me we can't play anymore... I'm lying my ass off. Then I would cry... but that would make him feel bad... buh. I've tried to not talk to him for an extended period to see how much I would miss him... and I broke down within a day. Sometimes I also do it to see how long it would take before he msg'd me. Before it was within a couple hours talking... but recently he will forget to, or just don't want to. I also try to stop talking to him a while because I'm depressed about something... and I don't squeek. To the entire group on xbl, if I am not squeeking or something... I am practically worthless. Fuck... I don't know...

It sucks even more that I am feeling entirely lonely. Sure, people want to play with me, but... obviously... that's it. I just want someone who is... dom-ly, geeky and awesome. SINGLE would be very nice as well.

Fuck... I don't know if I am going to regret posting this because right now I am tired as fuck... or it's like a truth syrum to me.

Now, if you would excuse me... I have to get rid of my real dalmation spots.