I just realized most of my posts start with, "Yeah, so..." Weak.

So I had a small intervention from Cory and a tiny bit of James last night. Cory said he was tired of seeing me hurt from Charlie and Scarlett. He just... doesn't understand. I tried to give James an example but he just kinda said, "Well that's her issue." No. If he went through with what I did he, he would know. I hate making excuses for myself but it is how it is. I just sat here and bawled my brains out for the past hour. Its not easy, and I've tried soooo hard. For a while I was kind of just like, "Whatever." Then she started coming in the store again and Charlie stopped talking to me for a bit. I was FINE.

Then today I get a text from Scarlett... of course... 3 pages long, saying she doesn't do it on purpose. Of course Cory had to go ask her. OF COURSE SHE ISNT GUNNA FLAT OUT SAY WHAT A STUPID BITCH SHE IS. Dear lord.

Yeah so... haven't posted... been meaning to... psh.

Basically, finished Sloppy First and got Second Helpings last night. I LOOVEE ITTTT. I haven't been this excited about a book in a long time.

I had off yesterday so I went with Celia and Kyle to Walmart and sushi. Came home, hung out with Cory, Jon and James. I told Cory that I had a thing for Jon... and he dropped it every 10 seconds. "Oh, you two should date~" "You two are doing the couple thing!" etc etc. My whore ass wore shorts and under I wore my garter and stockings... I felt hot. I wasn't doing it to impress Jon or, anything like that. I just felt like being sexy.

Charlie and Scarlett came in my store the other day... ugh. Of course I try and stay away from them. They were in another line, then the line I was bagging for was to the asiles but they didn't go to the other clear lines. And people say that she doesn't try to start shit. She def does. Then James came in to distract me while they were being rung up next to me. He went and said hi, then came directly back. Scarlett said, "BYE JAMES!!!!!!" as loud as she could. I'm like... yeah. You haven't changed at all, you stupid fucking slut. Anyhow. When I saw them... my heart started racing a thousand miles an hour. Maybe more. I just died a bit inside. Then later on that day... I read two notes from Charlie that were stuck in my purse. I wanted to cry so hard.

I must haul dick to work... even though I WOULD SO RATHER be reading Slopping Firsts. Oh well. I think I have off tomorrow at least?

Yeah... got called into fucking work because someone called out. UGH. Never can I have a Saturday or Friday off, EVER.

Went to Jasmine's and hung out, watching Dogma. AWESOMENESS.

Came home... Havok dirty talked me a bit... ok, a lot. He called right back saying he was sorry. I'm glad he is also stopping himself because I know if we play again, I will get attached. It's kinda weird like... I will say, "Yeah, shut up, you love me." And he will go, "Nah," and then I gasp, and he says, "I'm just jokin, you know I love ya." He gets all... weird... when he says the word, "Love." It's like it's not in his vocabulary.

Yeah so... work sucked a lot, AGAIN. THE DM CALLED ME AND BITCHED AT ME. OMG. It was the scariest shit ever and I wanted to cry. Work sucked more. And more. Like a cheap hooker with the rent due.

Left... James, Cory, Jasmine and her boy Jon went to Denny's and then Nancy's Nook. I wanted to buy a new toy... but Jasmine kept following really close to me the entire time. Made me a tad bit uncomfortable.

Havok cheered me up a great bit as well... then him and I started dirty-chatting, and he would stop, saying it's bad... then keep going. Poor puppy.

Yeah so... I just got in. I spent a bit of time with Cory and Jon today... then Cory wanted to go home, so I went with Jon to Denny's and we chilled in front of his house. We talked about a lot of shit and he told me he is... or... was in love with Janet, his roommate. Now they barely speak. James also had a thing for her. I just kind of... lost my appetite. I mean now it mostly confirms that I cannot... be with him or anything. I should just give up anyway.

I feel bad also because Josh wanted to hang out and do movie night... and I said I had shit to do in the morning. Which, technically, I do... but ugh. If I ever ended up dating him, and hanging out with Billy and his wife.... AWKWARD. But Josh doesn't know what happened between me and Billy. Agh. Crazy.

Went into work and got bitched at about supposedly money missing sometime. I just started crying. I double count everything. I don't know why shit is fucked up. I am careful. I double count. I make sure it's right. I don't know how everything gets fucked up.

Then after that, a short bit later, Charlie's mom comes in and sends a Western Union and gets lottery. I asked how Charlie and Scarlett are... just told me they are OK and about the new puppy. She told me he still has pictures of me on the computer and he looks at them. Also the way she was talking about other things it just seemed like she didn't believe they were going to last... I really just wanted to say, "Put in a good word for me." But I know that I can't go back. I want to with all my bloody heart. I'm beyond repair. I'm too broken for anyone else, and too far gone for Charlie again...

Now I'm on lunch... and it's two hours into my shift... I have 6 to go. What else couple possibly happen?

Eh day at work, super fun after work.

James, Cory and I drove aimlessly around... everywhere. We ended up in... Newport News... or something, at an IHOP. Mostly talking about idiots at work and shit. Awesome.

For the past couple of hours I have been watching Hana Yori Dango season 2... and I cried a bit. Ok, a bit more than a bit.

I know what it feels like to be Makino. To watch someone you love, love someone else. You have to see the girl all the time. You try your hardest but you keep falling back into those feelings for that person.

This isn't just like... some MySpace lovey-dovey shit. I have felt so entirely physically ill over this boy it's insane. I feel it now. My stomach feels like its turning over a thousand times, my arms tighten up, and my heart feels like its being stretched and thrown around.

When Tsukasa has flashbacks about Makino and their "moments," I get those weird feelings about him again. I remember our first kiss. Those beautiful things he used to say to me. Everything was magical. Why would he want to give that up? I asked if he felt the same about her. He said, "You opened a lot of doors, and closed them all." I know that if I spent the day with him... those emotions would come flooding back, if I wanted to or not. I remember not seeing him for a long time, and then I picked him up... I was nothing but smiles. I haven't felt that way since I started seeing him 5 years ago. He regrets starting anything with her... and how this all ended up.

I haven't talked to him in about two months... but it feels like 10 years. When I get texts or calls in the middle of the night, I instantly hope it's him. When Makino ends up calling Tsukasa... it reminds me of how Charlie and I end up talking. I can't call him first... never, ever. My luck would be that he would be with her and it would be nothing but drama. What the fuck is so great about her anyway...?

"I wish it were me you chose;
You. Me. Maybe we were never meant to be."

but it all comes down to this:
"We know, we know... you want your shitty relationship back."

Soooo went over Celia's and hung out with Lita for a bit. Sushi buffett, Mario Party 2 and drinkin. Good times, good times.

Then got home, and then Jon texts me, and him and James end up coming over and talking til about 4am. Even though I KNOW Jon is bad for me... I can't help but flirt with him :\ What a girl to do?

So my day went like this:

Stressing over the previous situation, no sleep.
Wake up at 7, call work and ask if everything is OK. She didn't see my note.
Sleep for a half second, get a call back saying it IS OK! :D!!!!!!!! Then ask about my time.
Roll around for 5 seconds, get a phone call back saying it was fixed, then asked to come in at noon.
TRY to sleep but I'm too wide awake and happy... get some grits, then another phone call.
Roy. "Come in now. Had a cashier call out."

Ugh. We had one cashier, then me, from 9am til 2pm. UGHHHHGHGHGHHGH. Then I had to help Tammy with her CHAOS of an office and we were at eachother's throat for a bit. I got out of there as soon as I could.

I went to sushi with Jon and Jasmine, had nommynommy Hampton rolls. Then they asked if I wanted to go see 17 Again and I said sure why nottttt. Jasmine ordered a huge margarita and I got a huge Mudslide. I couldn't even finish it! 17 Again was super good, and Zac is haaawwwttttt. I was SUPER weak when his best friend, playing his father, said, "We need to get your new clothes. Your shirt is B'dazzled," talking about his Ed Hardy shirt. I was WEAKKKKK. Maybe a bit more than usual given the Mudslide. What was suuppperrr not sexy? The mom's name was SCARLETT. UGH. And I can't read Maureen Johnson's new book, because it's called SUITE SCARLETT. UGHHHHGHGHGHGHHHHHHHHHHH MAKE IT STOP.

Anyway, even though life and Havok and stupid shit got me down allllllllllll week, my day was awesome enough to make me happy for a bit again.

Yeah, so. Today was fucking crazy at work because Maragette decided that it was chill to cut everyone's hours and have only one person from 2 - 6, and it was yeah, fucking crazy. Afterwards she sat me down and lectured me about money and how I need to handle it better. She said that the safe was missing a lot of money from last night. I just kind of stared at her. She told me I need to do a safe count before I leave at night. Isn't funny that this morning and afternoon the safe was almost exactly over what it was short last night? HMM. Don't lecture me when it's clearly someone else who can't count.

So I count my safe at 1130, and it's 1.51 over, which is a different ammount than before. I get to counting his til and it's 263.99 short. Uhm, what? I count it. I count it again. And again. I must have picked up too much in the system or did my last pick up wrong... I don't know. Then I go to clock out, and I fucked up my time. My day went from super fucking bad, to Ok :], to really, really fucking bad. I seriously hope that money is in the safe and I did it wrong... I thought I was doing OK since the safe was a dollar over. Then I fucked up again. I seriously want to cry. No matter what I do, I fuck something up. I hope I get a call in the morning telling me everything is ok, rather than, "We can't find it." I don't want to be fired. I need this job. I can't work anywhere else. I would be devistated.

I don't want to talk about it. Boys are fucking retarded.

Mrrr I am tired...

I don't mind closing, but I mind closing when I have to do it every Friday and Saturday. I have a life, too, you know.

I has new books?

Kthnxbye.

I got The BreakupBible and Sloppy Firsts, which was recommended by Hayley G Hoover.

I tried to go to sushi with Jasmine but she had stuff to do but I was already getting dressed and starving. I met Celia instead and we had a good time, and the best Hampton rolls.... EVER. I melted when I had each one. Next time I am just ordering 3 of them and be done.

Now I'm watching High School Musical, chatting with some friends... really wanting to read my books.

I'm very bad about buying books, not picking them up for months, but buying more... like I got The Luxe two months ago and I have read the first chapter. I honestly haven't finished Looking For Alaska or Paper Towns. I know! The nerdfighter in me died a bit ;[ Don't kill me.

I am running out of money fast, and I still need to buy Dragonforce tickets. Fuck :[

I got denied a credit card today. Why?

"Because you don't have a credit score."

Well I can't have a credit score if I can't get a credit card.... WHYYYYY

Mmm a rerun was on Gossip Girl tonight, which I didn't mind. I don't think Season 1 was as long as Season 2. I heard they are going to have Amber Snow in the spin-off as Lily Van der Woodson. Hot!

I went out with Jon and James to Walmart and shizz last night... James ended up leaving us early, and Jon and I talked til about 430 in my car. To be honest... now that I know him a bit more, even though I was crushin on him a bit... I don't think I am anymore. From what he explains who he is now... he's a complete dick. The kind of guy I want to stay away from, as far as boyfriends. So, bye-bye my idea, which is fine with me.

I'm still feeling a bit lonely, which really sucks... I don't know what to do.

I hate closing 5 days a week, and two of those being Friday and Saturday. Fucking bastards

Why do boys thing it's OK to lie to a girl, when they are fully well capable of figuring out the truth?

I love dinner adventure nights with Cory, James and sometimes Jon will come up too~~

We went to Walmart and Denny's. I ran out of WoW time! Had to get more...

And since when did it drop like, 50 degrees? I was shiverin and shakin outside until Jon said it was OK for me to lean on him. ;x nom.

I talked to Havok a bit earlier... I was getting frustrated then happy then he ended up getting frustrated... said 'goodnight' about 100000 times to eachother.

Whats funny is that Jon and Havok are both wolves... mmm...

Deets later :D

I talked to Pug yesterday for a bit about my sub problems, as usual... and I really hope I don't annoy him with it. I would feel terrible for driving someone away from me. So I left Havok with the decision to keep playing with me or not. He asked me what I wanted... and I told him that I had to leave it up to him. I would not make a decision for a long ass time, honestly. I wouldn't know what to do with myself. Also, I can't MAKE him play with me. So today I called him and asked him what the answer was, and he didn't know. I told him to tell me before he went to bed. He just sent me a text saying, "No. Goodnight." I called him and asked him, "No, what?" He said something along the lines of not wanting to play... and I just hung up on him. If I stayed on the phone he would have heard my sadness... or potentially really, really angry-ness. Nothing came to mind anyway. I wouldn't know what to say.

On my lunch... which took about 2 hours because we had so many damn customers and shit... I just kind of broke down. I feel a bit selfish feeling really lonely and sad because I know people who haven't even had a serious relationship before, or have been alone for years and years. I guess it's something to fall out of when you were in love for a long time with somebody, and betrayed more times than I could ever imagine. Since then, I have liked other people, and some have liked me... but nothing even close to a relationship.

Insanity

insanity
	Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

Srsly?

So I just got back from the party about an hour and a half ago... good stuff. Good times. I actually met someone, named Chris, who is also a nerdface :D but, anyway. He ended up biting and spanking me a couple of times... and I look in the mirror and I have the hickies of DEATH on my neck. I don't even think make up could cover this kind of shit. I would have no problem if you know... I didn't live with my MOTHER. Also, another problem... he's married. And his pregnant wife was also at the party. I guess they are into poly or whomever messing with whomever because it happened. We exchanged phone numbers and all that bit. I wanted to kiss him really bad but... knowing he his married, with a prego wife... it's like my curse. William is married with a kid. I mean, srsly, round 2. Awesome.

I talked to Havok when I left Celia's to go get toothpaste for my death hickies and he was in a... I-don't-give-a-shit-mood which made me... annoyed. I asked him to Google how to get rid of a hicky while I drove to the store. He asked how it happened, and I told him I didn't want to because I don't want him mad. I told him anyway, and he wasn't jealous which... made me kinda mad. We further talked and he said he knows why I am angry -- because I am moderately committed to him, and said I shouldn't be. I told him I am more mad because I wish he were jealous because he has feelings for me. I don't exactly remember what he said, however, I'm not thrilled either way. I like Havok. A lot. He knows I do... but I don't see how he isn't attracted to me. I really fucking wonder... how could he date that girl in CA, but not me? What the fuck is wrong with me? I really want to stop doing crap with him because I know I am getting attatched way more than I was previously. But... the feelings he gives me are amazing. I don't know what to do, and it kills me. How can you play with someone, but not have feelings? It must be a girl thing because only girls I know have this issue... guys are just all, 'fucked it, done with it.' If I asked him what I should do... he would instantly tell me that we can't play anymore. Even though I've told him that I wouldn't care for the 3rd time around he told me we can't play anymore... I'm lying my ass off. Then I would cry... but that would make him feel bad... buh. I've tried to not talk to him for an extended period to see how much I would miss him... and I broke down within a day. Sometimes I also do it to see how long it would take before he msg'd me. Before it was within a couple hours talking... but recently he will forget to, or just don't want to. I also try to stop talking to him a while because I'm depressed about something... and I don't squeek. To the entire group on xbl, if I am not squeeking or something... I am practically worthless. Fuck... I don't know...

It sucks even more that I am feeling entirely lonely. Sure, people want to play with me, but... obviously... that's it. I just want someone who is... dom-ly, geeky and awesome. SINGLE would be very nice as well.

Fuck... I don't know if I am going to regret posting this because right now I am tired as fuck... or it's like a truth syrum to me.

Now, if you would excuse me... I have to get rid of my real dalmation spots.

Ok...

Not posting yesterday sooo didn't count. I am going to make this one count for yesterday and today because I don't have time...

"You're supposed to make time to blog, that's why it's BEDA!"

Yeah, yeah. Shut it.

Yesterday I went to work for a couple of hours, had a mental breakdown, slept a bit, went to Party City to get things for the party, then went to the set-up for the party. Good times, good times.

Tonight is the actual party... and it's "Come As You Aren't." So, being a bunny, I am dressing up as a puppy. Oh, no, not a usual puppy~! Celia is coming as a Lady, all prim and proper... and I am going as HER puppy :D Dalmation, in fact. It will be epic. So I am off to get ready... starts at 7... doesn't end til about 12 hours later probably. I will make a post sometime tomorrow night, hopefully.

Cheers!

Rawr...

I better get to this and post before it's midnight -- then I've already failed! Anyhow.

I'm very sadface... Cory, James and etc are going out of town camping for a week, and I won't have anyone to go to Waffle House at 2 in the morning with :[ Well, I would with Jasmine, but she usually has work early the next day.

Tonight I went to the Amatorious munch at Uno's shortly after going with Kyle + Celia to Kyle's b-day dinner. He got super drunk on Tequila, which indirectly caused Celia and Kyle fighting a bit... oh well. I am supposed to dress up for the party Saturday... it's "Come As You Aren't." I am going to try to go as a wolf, if I can find the right bits to wear. Everyone seems that me going as a domme is amusing... but I can't act that way! I can only be that way to one person, and that is very rare.

I have also been analyzing myself a bit as to why I am in the scene. When I was with Charlie... he wasn't very demanding I guess I could say. He always made me decide on things, even if he didn't want to do it. As everyone knows, I am not with him anymore. My demandingness got in the way and I ended up being a huge bitch because he could never decide -- I mean, come on, to this day he doesn't know if he wants me or Scarlett truthfully. I think I am more of a sub because someone is more liable to keep me as their's. Even though I am the toy of someone right now... he doesn't have feelings for me in 'that' way. How can you play with someone, but not have feelings for them? I think it's a woman thing, to be honest. I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do about my situation at the moment besides that, concerning vanilla relationships. Josh... who is friends with Billy... likes me. He's a very nice guy and all that, but he's in love with this girl named Deana. Also, his exwife left him for the second time. So I wouldn't be going against one woman, but two. I really don't want to do that bit again. I saw Billy for the first time in about a month, and I didn't get those butterflies. I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever find anyone.

Blog Every Day April

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