I hate it the days I miss Canyon.

At least it isn't Charlie, for once.

Oh noes, forgive me!

Why haven't I posted?

I moved to my gma's old haus, so I haven't had internet. My phone is also fucked up, so I can't even get on half the shit I need to.

Dustin finally came to see me after 11 years of knowing him and I couldn't be more excited. I really, really hope that he stays in Richmond so we can finally be close enough to not have to 1, 2, 3 videos.

In other news, Charlie will not go away in my dreams. In some form or fashion he is in there. He's been there to take me back, marry me, dump me, cheat on me, and everything else under the sun. I haven't been depressed about him during those days where he has been in my dreams except one, so I don't understand.

Here's to a good night's sleep, WITHOUT HIM.

BEDA

Blog Every Day April has arrived, again.

WELL JESSICA YOU HAVEN'T KEPT UP YOUR SEMI-PRIVATE TUMBLR, HOW ARE YOU GUNNA MAKE SURE TO DO THIS?

Idk, I am going to try.

I went to class today even though almost everybody skipped... which I could see why, it was a beautiful day. I almost skipped myself to go to Busch Gardens with Emily.

Blahblah etc... erm.

I was walking into Walgreens and... Charlie was just in front of me. My heart raced like crazy, I couldn't breathe for a minute... and I'm over it.

April Fools.

I feel like dying. I am trying REALLY hard not to over react, but I fucking bawled my eyes out in the car. I am helpless.

New Year's Firsts

Song playing to ring in the new year: Lady Gaga "Just Dance"

First ass beating: Kris

First kiss [just a peck]: Kris

First YouTube video played: Glee flashmob

First Facebook update: "Going to workies..."

First time being late for work: Today.

I'm at the point to where what I feel is too embarassing or emotional to even type out in a blog.

So yeah... of course a lot has happened. It's like that every day. I mean, hell, I got a phone number from a guy at Wafflehouse! Not Tristian, but... yeah. Anyway.

Side note -- I just realized, it's nothing but guys at Durmstrang, and nothing but girls in Beauxbatons. ANYWAY.

I'm glad I've started to hang out more with Molly, Alex and Jane. I need more... positive and nice people in my life. I don't know if I should still hang out with Cory -- I mean, he tells Scarlett EVERYTHING I say/do... which I called him out on it before and he did the whole "Cory apologize" thing where he really doesn't mean it.

Buh, I had a lot more to type up but I have work, and got distracted by Harry Potter...

A month, again. I know, I know.

So much has happened it's crazy.

Well I think we all knew that Scarlett would start to get paranoid once I started to chill with Charlie again... and sure enough, she basically went crazy. Charlie lead me on, AGAIN. No big surprise there, either. He lead me on, stopped talking for me for about a week and then of course he pull the shit of, "i'm just jokin" bullshit. I was seriously hurt by it. Now it's back to him not talking to me and him and Scarlett argue every. day. No one still understands why he chose her instead of me... but you know, if he were such a great guy, him and I would still be together.

Nik pulled a fast one and broke up with Emily over something really stupid. Long story short: she got rid of some trash, and hopefully for good. I let her borrow my book, whch I need to certainly read again, and it's helped her a lot. I'm super happy for her but feel for her at the same time. Break ups really suck, especially if it's in a circle of friends... and there's already a divide. I can't hang out with Charlie and Scarlett anywhere. Emily can't hang out if Nik is around. SO since Charlie likes to smoke with Nik, and Scarlett won't leave Charlie by himself to basically pee... AND Nik's house is the main hang out... kinda leaves me and Emily out. I certainly enjoy Emily's company, it just sucks to have to be out of the loop when something's going down. Like, 4th of July is coming up... and everyone is going to want to chill. I want to go buy fireworks for the event but if Nik is there, Emily won't chill. If Scarlett and Charlie are there, I won't chill. Also, Scarlett won't keep her damn mouth shut... neither will Charlie. AND Jackson comes back this weekend... my head's spinning.

Wow. Uhm, not posted in 20 days. Go Jess!

Well erm... ok... listing bits:

-- Being hooked up by one of Scarlett's friends... uhh yeah.
-- Her and I are OK with eachother and can laugh once again
-- Charlie made the unecessary comment about not fucking up this boy, making me cry
-- Daniel is now dating someone else
-- Josh still likes me I suppose
-- I've talked to Chris about as much as Billy
-- Ashe comes home Friday! YAY!
-- Cory got a new job and I'm super jealous...
-- Bri quit again, so now I'm pushin 40 hrs again. Fat paycheck for the con FTW.
-- Started playing WoW more with Terald and this new guy Jim at work
-- The guy Scarlett introduced me to... David... he's a nerdy type, and asian. That's all I really know about him right now and that's ok.
-- HES NEVER BEEN KISSED OMG WHUT
-- I'm super lovin Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus right now

I think I made a mistake by kissing Daniel. I don't like him. I did it because he wanted to so badly.

Josh? Billy. That's all I have to say.

So now I am alone. And I want to cry. But I can't. I'm pissed. Frustrated. My love life is a dead end.

I'm so done.

HOLY. SHIT.

Just but a month ago I met Chris... and he called today, reminding me of the party. That was a little bit like OMG-ish.

Then Celia texted me all like... well, exactly: OMG HAVE STUFF ABOUT CHRIS TO TELL YOU.

Of course I instantly think bad things. Like he has a 2nd wife. Or he has the herpily-derpilies.

Oh no... first thing... "Yeah so his wife told me that he wouldn't stop talking about you." OH. MY. GOD. WHAT?! She went on about how his wife is chill with me... and how Chris has been depressed that I haven't called. Of course now all my mentality about dating is all, "If he wants to talk to me, he will call. He will make it happen." Also the whole wife thing did freak me out a bit and Celia told her that. Chris' wife said that she WANTS him to have a girlfriend, and for that to be ME. This is like... the best news I've ever heard in a LONG time. The whole poly thing still makes me sad because I know I can't ever like... "bring him home to mom" or anything, or have a serious relationship. Ugh. I don't know if I should... dive into this or... be single. AGH.

But I'm super excited.

I just realized most of my posts start with, "Yeah, so..." Weak.

So I had a small intervention from Cory and a tiny bit of James last night. Cory said he was tired of seeing me hurt from Charlie and Scarlett. He just... doesn't understand. I tried to give James an example but he just kinda said, "Well that's her issue." No. If he went through with what I did he, he would know. I hate making excuses for myself but it is how it is. I just sat here and bawled my brains out for the past hour. Its not easy, and I've tried soooo hard. For a while I was kind of just like, "Whatever." Then she started coming in the store again and Charlie stopped talking to me for a bit. I was FINE.

Then today I get a text from Scarlett... of course... 3 pages long, saying she doesn't do it on purpose. Of course Cory had to go ask her. OF COURSE SHE ISNT GUNNA FLAT OUT SAY WHAT A STUPID BITCH SHE IS. Dear lord.

Yeah so... haven't posted... been meaning to... psh.

Basically, finished Sloppy First and got Second Helpings last night. I LOOVEE ITTTT. I haven't been this excited about a book in a long time.

I had off yesterday so I went with Celia and Kyle to Walmart and sushi. Came home, hung out with Cory, Jon and James. I told Cory that I had a thing for Jon... and he dropped it every 10 seconds. "Oh, you two should date~" "You two are doing the couple thing!" etc etc. My whore ass wore shorts and under I wore my garter and stockings... I felt hot. I wasn't doing it to impress Jon or, anything like that. I just felt like being sexy.

Charlie and Scarlett came in my store the other day... ugh. Of course I try and stay away from them. They were in another line, then the line I was bagging for was to the asiles but they didn't go to the other clear lines. And people say that she doesn't try to start shit. She def does. Then James came in to distract me while they were being rung up next to me. He went and said hi, then came directly back. Scarlett said, "BYE JAMES!!!!!!" as loud as she could. I'm like... yeah. You haven't changed at all, you stupid fucking slut. Anyhow. When I saw them... my heart started racing a thousand miles an hour. Maybe more. I just died a bit inside. Then later on that day... I read two notes from Charlie that were stuck in my purse. I wanted to cry so hard.

I must haul dick to work... even though I WOULD SO RATHER be reading Slopping Firsts. Oh well. I think I have off tomorrow at least?

Yeah... got called into fucking work because someone called out. UGH. Never can I have a Saturday or Friday off, EVER.

Went to Jasmine's and hung out, watching Dogma. AWESOMENESS.

Came home... Havok dirty talked me a bit... ok, a lot. He called right back saying he was sorry. I'm glad he is also stopping himself because I know if we play again, I will get attached. It's kinda weird like... I will say, "Yeah, shut up, you love me." And he will go, "Nah," and then I gasp, and he says, "I'm just jokin, you know I love ya." He gets all... weird... when he says the word, "Love." It's like it's not in his vocabulary.

Yeah so... work sucked a lot, AGAIN. THE DM CALLED ME AND BITCHED AT ME. OMG. It was the scariest shit ever and I wanted to cry. Work sucked more. And more. Like a cheap hooker with the rent due.

Left... James, Cory, Jasmine and her boy Jon went to Denny's and then Nancy's Nook. I wanted to buy a new toy... but Jasmine kept following really close to me the entire time. Made me a tad bit uncomfortable.

Havok cheered me up a great bit as well... then him and I started dirty-chatting, and he would stop, saying it's bad... then keep going. Poor puppy.

Yeah so... I just got in. I spent a bit of time with Cory and Jon today... then Cory wanted to go home, so I went with Jon to Denny's and we chilled in front of his house. We talked about a lot of shit and he told me he is... or... was in love with Janet, his roommate. Now they barely speak. James also had a thing for her. I just kind of... lost my appetite. I mean now it mostly confirms that I cannot... be with him or anything. I should just give up anyway.

I feel bad also because Josh wanted to hang out and do movie night... and I said I had shit to do in the morning. Which, technically, I do... but ugh. If I ever ended up dating him, and hanging out with Billy and his wife.... AWKWARD. But Josh doesn't know what happened between me and Billy. Agh. Crazy.

Went into work and got bitched at about supposedly money missing sometime. I just started crying. I double count everything. I don't know why shit is fucked up. I am careful. I double count. I make sure it's right. I don't know how everything gets fucked up.

Then after that, a short bit later, Charlie's mom comes in and sends a Western Union and gets lottery. I asked how Charlie and Scarlett are... just told me they are OK and about the new puppy. She told me he still has pictures of me on the computer and he looks at them. Also the way she was talking about other things it just seemed like she didn't believe they were going to last... I really just wanted to say, "Put in a good word for me." But I know that I can't go back. I want to with all my bloody heart. I'm beyond repair. I'm too broken for anyone else, and too far gone for Charlie again...

Now I'm on lunch... and it's two hours into my shift... I have 6 to go. What else couple possibly happen?

Eh day at work, super fun after work.

James, Cory and I drove aimlessly around... everywhere. We ended up in... Newport News... or something, at an IHOP. Mostly talking about idiots at work and shit. Awesome.

For the past couple of hours I have been watching Hana Yori Dango season 2... and I cried a bit. Ok, a bit more than a bit.

I know what it feels like to be Makino. To watch someone you love, love someone else. You have to see the girl all the time. You try your hardest but you keep falling back into those feelings for that person.

This isn't just like... some MySpace lovey-dovey shit. I have felt so entirely physically ill over this boy it's insane. I feel it now. My stomach feels like its turning over a thousand times, my arms tighten up, and my heart feels like its being stretched and thrown around.

When Tsukasa has flashbacks about Makino and their "moments," I get those weird feelings about him again. I remember our first kiss. Those beautiful things he used to say to me. Everything was magical. Why would he want to give that up? I asked if he felt the same about her. He said, "You opened a lot of doors, and closed them all." I know that if I spent the day with him... those emotions would come flooding back, if I wanted to or not. I remember not seeing him for a long time, and then I picked him up... I was nothing but smiles. I haven't felt that way since I started seeing him 5 years ago. He regrets starting anything with her... and how this all ended up.

I haven't talked to him in about two months... but it feels like 10 years. When I get texts or calls in the middle of the night, I instantly hope it's him. When Makino ends up calling Tsukasa... it reminds me of how Charlie and I end up talking. I can't call him first... never, ever. My luck would be that he would be with her and it would be nothing but drama. What the fuck is so great about her anyway...?

"I wish it were me you chose;
You. Me. Maybe we were never meant to be."

but it all comes down to this:
"We know, we know... you want your shitty relationship back."